Wandering in the dark
by oldandgray
Summary: Alone on a beach in the dark with her thoughts, how can Emily heal her heart?
1. Chapter 1

**Skins may not be mine, but the grammatical and spelling errors are.**

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Wandering in the dark

Emily

The sun has set, but the last of the light has yet to fade from the sky. I wiggle my toes a little deeper into the sand. The night air has started to cool the surface of the beach while just below my feet have found the heat of the day still trapped. All through the day we stayed in the water and searched for shade to avoid the heat, now I find myself seeking out that residual warmth. I just want to crawl under that top layer and be surrounded by the warm closeness of the sand, like the security of wrapping up in a blanket for a nap on warm afternoon.

I look out over the ocean toward the point where the sun disappeared earlier. The sky still has the red purple color of evening, a few clouds on the horizon glow pink with the last rays of light. And the water has become a huge dark void.

I try and relax and just let my mind wander but I keep coming back to the same thoughts and fears and guilt. I wish I could bundle up all the dark thoughts and cast them into the inky void before me, but try as I might I can't. They are too deeply rooted.

I accepted her apology and took her back. How could I not? I loved her. Even as angry and hurt as I was, I loved her. But the week before this trip began the fear started to set in. She had got scared and run before, many times. And then would make a grand gesture and come back. Was this just another grand gesture? Would she run again? The fear, the doubt. I started to hold myself back just a little maybe with out even knowing it. But Katie knew, she could see it happening.

My sister set me down on her bed and handed my a letter she had written, to me. She told me not to open it until I heard the front door close. I opened it and stared in disbelief; three pages written in long hand, this from a person who considers 140 character text message a major writing assignment. I read it through once and was mad. How dare she recount what I had gone through, and tell me how I should feel. I read it a second time and started to feel guilty at the person I had been. The third time, I cried most of the way through, I came to understand how I had treated my sister, my friends, my family, my girlfriend and my self.

She could see things I could not or would not. Naomi and Sophia had hurt me, and everyone would have understood me being upset with them. But I went and rescued Sophia's memory and placed all my hurt and anger on Naomi. I just couldn't be mad at the girl who felt rejected, got high and jumped off the railing. I was so close to that point myself. In the weeks before the trip Katie could see when I was starting to pull back and guarding my feelings, and used the letter to reminded me just how much Naomi cared. That through all the emotional and physical abuse I inflicted on her, Naomi stood by me. Most would have left, the rest would have struck back, but she did neither. She let me tare her world apart and still came back and told me how much she loved me.

Katie closed the letter with two warnings. First, she had already warned the blonde what would happen should she ever hurt me again. And that the same warning went for me. If I ever treated Naomi like that again I would have Katie to deal with. The Second was that if I ever breathed a word of this to Naomi, Katie would beat me like my name was James Fitch.

As I sat there and reread the letter in my mind again I must have kept digging at the sand with my toes, because I hit a cold damp layer. The change in surface against my feet stilled both my mind and my movements for a moment. I looked down at how far I had worked my feet into the sand and wondered how long I had been sitting there. The sky had lost its color and the first quarter moon was high over head lighting the white foam of the waves breaking on the beach. Where was Naomi? She had been talking to that cute cabana girl and now... where was she?

Before I could continue that line of thought a voice out of the darkness called my name, "Miss Fitch?" It belonged to that same cabana girl.

"Yes?"

"Miss Campbell said I would find you near here and asked that I escort you down the beach."

I looked up not really understanding what was going on, but removed my feet from the holes I had created, stood and followed as she lead me across the sand. She took me over to one of the big beach loungers. In the dark I could see the shade canopy had been pulled back and bug netting suspended from one end. Pillows and blankets had been piled up and in the middle sat Naomi.

I flinched a little when the cabana girl spoke, "Will there be anything else?"

"No," answered Naomi, "this is perfect."

She smiled at both of us and stepped backward fading into the darkness. Naomi extended her hand and spoke, "It is a beautiful night, would you spend it with me under the stars?"

My heart melted and I could almost hear the splash in the water as I cast away all the dark thoughts I had been harboring. I took her hand and climbed into the bed next to her as we pulled each other into an embrace.

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**Thanks for reading. All reviews are welcome.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I had intended this to be a one shot, but at the encouragement of my reviewers here is part two. And I would like to thank Fitcherella for her help with this.**

**And as always, Skins may not be mine, but the grammatical and spelling errors are.**

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Emily

There are moments when a hug is more intimate and more meaningful then a kiss. This was one of those moments. We held each other so tight, lost in the closeness. For a time my mind was still, no worries, no guilt. The only movement caused by our breathing. We relaxed our hold on each other and my lips found hers. The kiss was slow, deep and passionate, without and feeling of being rushed or aggressive. It ended with both of us snuggling up to one another. It all had a very dreamy quality to it, like we were floating in each other's arms; sharing the love and longing for the other.

"Not nearly as cold as that night by the lake."

"Don't you dare leave me in _this_ bed Noms."

"I wouldn't dream of it. Not even Jenna and Katie could drive me away."

"Careful, they are still family."

Even in the dark I could see her shoulders drop and her look down with a guilty expression, "Sorry, that wasn't nice."

God she is so cute sometimes, I just couldn't be mad.

I reached over and adjusted the pillows and then wrapped my arms around my girlfriend and pulled her down with me as I lay back to watch the sky.

"See those stars down low near the end of the beach?" she asked pointing off to the left. "The Southern Cross."

"Really?"

"I think so. I asked Monika to point it out to me; I think that was what she was pointing to."

"Who is Monika?"

"The cabana girl. She helped me set this evening up. She said it would be romantic."

"You mean the cute one you sent to find me?"

"So you thought she was cute?"

"_You_ knew her name."

We were both quiet for a while just looking up at the sky. I could feel my mind start to get restless again, and begin to wander down those dark paths. Why was she talking up this Monika. She traveled to Goa with me and now she is off making plans behind my back, just like she did with Sophi...

There is was, back again. The anger at Naomi, not just that she had sex with Sophia, or talked with Monika; she had a life beyond me, without me. I felt guilty that I asked who Monika was. I felt guilty that I had accused her of something without even using the words. I was angry at myself and at her.

Even in the dark I had to turn away, for fear that she would know all my dark thoughts just by looking at my face.

I pulled my arm out from under her shoulders. Searching for her hand I took it and laced her fingers with mine holding her tight. "Naomi, we need to talk."

"Four of the scariest words ever," she joked. "Right up there with 'let's just be friends'." Then with some concern in her voice, "You're not going to say that next are you?"

I was quiet for a moment as I tried to figure out how to phrase this so she wouldn't misunderstand me. In the pause I could feel her anxiety build.

"No." I squeezed her hand a little tighter to let her know I wasn't going anywhere. "But we do need to learn to be friends again."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I could feel her bristle with her response. "That I am not your friend?"

She took it the wrong way and was now on the defensive, and there is no way I could take it back. The only option was to move forward and hope that I find her in this bed with me at sunrise. The fear growing in the pit of my stomach was starting to push aside the guilt and the anger. I was afraid to speak, and afraid to not speak. But mostly I was afraid that she would get up and walk away.

I took several deep breaths and tried and calm my racing heart. Part of me wishes I had thought about what I needed to say. Another part is glad I didn't, so that it would be unrehearsed and from the heart. Mostly I wished I had just kept quiet and enjoyed the stars.

It seemed like a long stretch of silence to me so it must have been totally unbearable for her. Just as I was about to speak she swung her legs off the lounger and stood in the sand next to it.

"Where are you going?"

"I, have a cramp in my leg, I need to stretch it." She moved down to the end of the bed and looked off toward the water.

"Can I help?"

"No" the reply was broken and defeated sounding

She walked towards the water and stopped a short distance away, showing no limp in her movements. Fine she wanted some space she could have some, in peace. At least she wasn't running to _Monika_... How could she not see what this was doing to us?

I watched her as she stood on the beach just looking out to sea. She sat down in the sand, it wasn't someone getting comfortable, it was someone who was defeated with nowhere else to go.

I paused to consider the thoughts running through my head. Katie was right I was _that_ person. How could I have such ugly thoughts and actions towards one I loved so much? I thought back to Katie's letter, a section I remembered word for word but never really believed or understood until now having just seen it happen.

_'Em I owe you an apology for how I treated you when we were growing up. I always had to be the Alpha and left you no place but the role of Beta, the second. I watched you and Naomi, the whole time you were the Alpha. You chased her. You kept at her until she admitted to you and herself what her feelings were. And when things went wrong as the Alpha you dictated the penance. If you and the blonde are going to be together you need to be equal or you will tear yourselves apart. I have had many boyfriends, and when things ended I ended them. I was the Alpha. And I am alone.'_

"How did you get so fucking smart Katie?"

I stood up, walked down the beach and sat in the sand behind her.

"What I need to tell you is I love you. I have never stopped loving you. I'm not even sure I would know how to not love you. But I have been a mean horrible person who was awful to you. For a while I didn't like you, and I forgot how to be your friend. I need to get over that. For us to continue to be lovers we have to be friends. We have to both trust and like each other. You have a huge black mark against you, you cheated on me. And I have a huge mark against me, I abused you in the worst way to try and get even. We need to rise above these not just forget them. And..." I stopped to sniffle and wipe my eyes, "and I am sorry."

"For what?"

"That I worried you knew the cabana girl's name. I know it is silly but I was jealous."

"You silly twit." Naomi tuned and took my hands in hers and leaned over until our foreheads touched. "I had to talk to her to arrange this evening, and she was wearing a name tag."

"I know, but still, my ugly horrible thoughts went there. I need to get back to a point where I trust without thinking about it. I guess that will take time. Do you think we could go back and lay down? Maybe try again?"

"I would like that."

Naomi stood and pulled me to my feet. She slipped her arm around my waist and together we walked back to the lounge. We crawled into the middle and reclined on the pillows, Naomi spreading a blanket over us not for warmth but for the security it provided.

"Naomi?"

She looked away from the stars overhead and into my eyes, "Yes?"

"I need your help."

"With what?"

"With trying to get beyond this. I was so hurt and jealous that you had been with her; all I wanted to do was make you feel the way I did. But the more pain I caused you the more I hurt. Please don't take this the wrong way, because what you said and the way you said it meant so much and started the healing. But some heart felt words and a plane ticket can't undo all the pain."

"Emily I never thought they would. I was just so over joyed that you gave me another chance to show you just how much I cared and how much I loved you. I know I need to re earn your trust. And as you said it will take time, I know that."

I leaned my forehead against hers and held her hand, just listening to each other breathe.

"Em, what if we just spend time with each other tomorrow? No other people no big adventures. Just us time."

"I would like that."

I looked into her blue eyes as they reflected the last light of the setting moon. "I guess it is a little too public to make love?"

"Most likely, but..." she reached behind us and pulled the insect netting over us and then pulled the blanket over our heads "I am sure no one will see us making out under here." And we did until it became too stuffy under the covers. We pulled the blanket down and just held each other, counting shooting stars until sleep overtook us.

The morning air was almost cold as the sun filtered through the trees behind us, the unlit water before us looking dark and stormy; the cloudless sky foretelling of another beautiful day in the making. The blanket was nice, but it was the body next to me that provided all the warmth and security I needed. She had stayed, even with all I had said. This wasn't just a grand gesture; this was the first step in rebuilding what we had lost.

A voice startled me "Good Morning ladies. Coffee?"

I looked over to see Monika standing holding a tray with a coffee service.

"Yes please."

She handed us each a cup and then asked "Was everything acceptable?"

I looked into Naomi's eyes; she smiled back at me and replied, "Yes, everything was wonderful."

"Will you be needing the lounge this morning?"

I looked up at Monika noticing the name tag pinned to her starched white shirt and then back into my girlfriend's blue eyes. I answered, "No, I don't think so." I placed the half empty coffee cup on the tray and pulled Naomi out of the bed. "We will be heading back to our room; I need to make love to my girlfriend." We took three steps and broke into a run, hand in hand across the beach.

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**Thanks for reading. All reviews are welcome.**


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